Oh, For The Love Of All Things Crack!
by AStitchedUpHeart
Summary: A collection of drabbles, freeverses and one-shots based around many crack!pairings i. Harry/Invisibility Cloak (M) ii. Hagrid/Teddy iii. Hermione/Hogwarts: A History (M) iv. Luna/Sanguini v. Dumbledore/Socks vi. Percy/Head Boy Badge vii The Fat Lady/Sirius Black viii. Snape/Cauldron
1. HarryInvisibility cloak (M)

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, week 1**_

**A.N - Rated M just in case. **

**Silky Touches**

When you first see her, you are astounded by her beauty. You're young, however, and naïve. You use her to your advantage and throw her aside when you can find no personal gain from her usage.

She stands by you though.

Over time, you begin to see something in her that you somehow missed before: her shimmering quality leaves you spellbound, her satin touch makes you want to run your hands over her time and time again.

You regret not spending more time with her beforehand; how could you not see that she was made for you?

Soon you come to rely on her. She is a shield against anything hurtful that comes your way, she hides all of your insecurities and imperfections. She allows you to feel confident as you wander through the school with her arms draped around you.

You want to take things further with her, but you're not sure if she feels similarly. Every time you start to undress, she slips away and hides. You try to leave her be, but you soon come crawling back, desperate for her silky touch once again.

Then, one day, she relents. Your shirt comes off and she stays there, on the bed, just waiting for your initial actions. Your trousers soon follow and still, she doesn't move - she's stopped dead by the anticipation. She seems to be calling you.

_Harry_

You can't stand to wait longer, one leap and you're upon her and _oh_, the touch is all you imagined and _so _much more. Words cannot describe your emotions when your limbs become entangled: it's so raw, so new to the both of you that you moan in delight.

You writhe around, revelling in her every touch and caress. Her limbs are everywhere: your chest, your face, your groin. She responds to your every stroke, becoming more and more slippery as your sweat moistens her. You become increasingly incoherent, completely lost in everything about her: her scent, her feel, her taste... until suddenly you can't last much longer. You scream one final pleasurable moan and fall limp on top of her. She just lets you lie there in her hot embrace.

You lie there for an indeterminate amount of time, you're extremely content, completely enveloped in the folds of your invisibility cloak.


	2. HagridTeddy

_**Written for the Popular Songs Competition: I Will Wait**_

**A.N - Also written for Amber because she wanted to see it done.**

**Unreciprocated **

It starts out innocently enough. You visit him in his cabin, just like your godfather did, just like your father did. You love hearing his stories, you can sit there for hours and hours just listening to him reminisce about the past. Your personal favourites are the stories about Norbert and Grawp, you hear them many times over the seven years you are at Hogwarts. His reverence of any magical creature soon rubs off on you: your first subject choice is Care of Magical creatures even though he doesn't teach it anymore. After every lesson you walk down to his cabin and chat about everything you'd just learnt. He listens to you, and supplements your learning with his own knowledge, ensuring that you finish top of the class every single time.

Soon though, you begin to watch him from afar. You can see his cabin from your dormitory window, and you just sit there, and watch as he wanders around tending to the many plants, and dealing with the more tame creatures. The behaviour confuses you, but still, you watch.

The topics you talk about soon get more personal, he is one of the only people who you can talk to about your father (you wonder what he'd say now if he saw you). Hagrid tells you about the times he caught him out in the forest with his friends, the Marauders he calls them. Each and every story makes you smile, laugh and even better, it makes him smile too as he remembers the 'good ol' days'.

Sometimes, Hagrid tells you the story of how your father died. You've heard it many times before but no one tells you the exact details like Hagrid does. It's Hagrid, himself, that starts crying towards the end, but you're always there to comfort him. You offer him one of his own handkerchiefs, and sit there as he blows his nose rather noisely.

You can't help but feel pity towards him as you watch him potter around making tea and baking rock cakes. Hagrid's body is old now, easily in his seventies, but his eyes glisten with a childish gleam that can never age. You find yourself staring at them, trying to get lost within the depths of them. It's easy, he holds your gaze perfectly and it's only broken when the kettle whistles. This happens to many times to be innocent.

It all comes to head one day in your seventh year. You receive a letter from him telling you that Grawp had died, you immediately drop everything and hurry to his cabin. He's a mess when you see him, his black eyes are bloodshot and his face has swelled to an even larger size. You can't help but feel sorry for him, he's been your one ally throughout your education and here he is, hurting, and you feel as though there is nothing you can do to help.

You hold him, just letting him sob into your shoulder. You stay like this until he suddenly looks up, you seen such pain in his eyes that you do the first natural thing that comes to mind: you kiss him. It's only a brief kiss, but he backs away quickly.

'No Teddy, you can' do this.'

You say nothing in reply, but nod slowly and back away to the door. As you leave his cabin you hope he'll call you back, but he doesn't. A tear escapes your eye as you shut the door; your love will never be reciprocated.

You never go back to the cabin.


	3. HermioneHogwarts: A History (M)

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, Week 2**_

**A.N - M-rated for smut (because my mind is a foul place to be sometimes)**

**A Different Kind Of Comfort**

Hermione wanted to be the very best she could. Being Muggleborn, she knew that she would be academically behind almost everyone in her classes. So, she committed herself to learning Hogwarts: A History off by heart. She wanted to know all about the castle, the history, everything. She spent hours reading the book, flicking through the pages with a careful hand. She cradled the book close to her and once, even slept with it under her pillow.

Harry and Ron would tease her about it, but she was the one laughing when people asked her questions: she could answer them easily without even having to reference. After a couple of years she didn't really need the book, but she couldn't bring herself to get rid of it; it had almost become a part of her.

Hermione hadn't looked at the book for ages when she found it, whilst packing for the horcrux hunt. A little part of her told her to leave it behind; it wasn't needed, they weren't going to be searching Hogwarts' grounds. However, instinct took over and she placed it at the bottom of her bag. She reminded herself to never tell Harry or Ron that it was there.

Once Ron left them, she knew she needed a source of comfort. So, she started taking out Hogwarts: A History again and thumbed through the book until she found some of her old favourite pages. They were dog-eared at the top, but she found it so much more rewarding to find them herself (and it would take more time). As she flicked through the pages, she was hit with the smell that made her fall in love with the book in the first place: the smell of paper, laced with magic. It was getting old now, but some of the original magic still remained.

At that moment she realised that the book could fill the hole that Ron had left in his absence. Besides, it was her friend long before Ron was. She closed the book with a sigh and began to run her finger up and down the ribbed spine. She paused as it seemed to quiver under her touch, then smiled as an idea formed in her mind.

She ran the spine of the book over the sensitive parts of her neck that Viktor had discovered three years previously: underneath her jaw and in the crook where her jaw bone met her skull. She moaned as the ribs caused sensations in her that she hadn't felt for a long time. She placed small kisses on the cover as the hand that wasn't holding the book, started undoing her shirt. Her bra soon followed and Hogwarts: A History was placed upon her breast. She moved it up and down, moaning and squirming as each individual rib snagged her nipple, over and over again, causing it to harden. This hardening only caused a greater feeling to swoop down between her legs, every single time the book caught her.

She couldn't take the feeling anymore. Not even bothering to discard her skirt, she pulled it up over her hips and thrust the book down between her legs. One hand pulled her knickers to the side whilst the other moved the book over her now swollen clit in perfect time with her uncontrollable bucks.

Panting, she pulled her knickers down to her ankles and inserted a finger into her heavily lubricated pussy. Hermione just had enough coherence to keep a steady rhythm with both her finger and Hogwarts: A History. She could feel her climax coming, and she increased the speed at which she was fucking herself to satisfy her need...

'What the hell is going on in here, Hermione!' came a voice from a lot nearer than she expected.

'Oh... Um... Harry... I can explain. Honestly!'

**A.N - Sorry I'm not even sorry! I couldn't help myself.**


	4. LunaSanguini

_**Written for the Weasley-Potter-Prewett Challenge: Lily Luna Potter**_

**A.N - Written for Rish because she made me (literally!)**

**Teeth**

_Don't be scared,_

_I've done this before,_

_Show me your teeth._

It was Slughorn's Christmas party and Luna was bored with the amount of uninteresting people who were there. Not that Harry wasn't interesting, he just wasn't the right _kind _of interesting.

It was then she heard a wince of pain from behind her, for a moment she thought she'd disturbed one of the nargle nests. However, when she heard the noise again she realised it came from a nearby person, who was cautiously touching his mouth.

'Are you ok, Sir?' she asked the stranger.

'Ah, my dear. It's nothing... just a bit of toothache that's all,' he replied, as he winced again.

'Would you like me to look at it? I'm Luna, by the way.'

'Sanguini.'

'Oh! I know you, you're a vampire. I can definitely help with that tooth, I helped another vampire with a molar problem, when my father and I were searching for Crumple Horned-Snorkacks in Sweden.'

'I'm sorry, my dear... Crumple what?'

'Crumple Horned-Snorkacks. Don't tell me you've never heard of them? Now, let me help you...' She grabbed his hand and led him towards an empty classroom. He followed, amused by the strangeness of the girl.

'Those teeth are sharp!' Luna exclaimed as she nearly caught her finger on one of them.

'Yes. Vampires teeth generally are,' Sanguini replied dryly. She slapped his hand playfully are continued with her inspection. 'You're a... pretty girl, Luna.'

'You're very handsome too, Sanguini. I found the problem, you've got a little tooth decay here,' she pointed towards the left incisor. 'You should take care of them more!' she scolded him.

'Thank you, Luna. I hope this won't make them any worse,' he said, as he leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on Luna's cheek.

'No, it shouldn't,' she smiled. 'We'd better get back to the party. Make sure you don't disturb the nargles living above the door.'

Sanguini stared after the girl, but ducked out the door and slowly walked back to the party with a smile on his face. He liked this girl, he decided.

**A.N - The lyrics belong to Lady Gaga, I'm just using them for my own amusement.**


	5. DumbledoreSocks

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, Week 3**_

**A.N - Also written for Anna, because _she _ doesn't believe this pairing is canon and I'm trying to persuade her otherwise.**

**Of Nakedness and Socks**

People don't believe it, but I _do _actually see myself holding a pair of socks in the Mirror of Erised. They think I'm always lying but I'm not; my biggest desire is a good, fluffy pair of socks. You know the phrase: it takes a good pair of socks to make a man go weak at the knees. And it's very true, I enjoy all types of socks but there are some that definitely tickle my fancy. Do you know what I really enjoy? Those Muggle creations with a little segment for each toe. Arthur bought me a pair once, and I've never gone back to the plain sock. It's hard, making your toes actually _touch _each other after weeks of having a soft cottony feeling between them.

Now, I'll tell you a little secret. After all the Board meetings, staff meetings and secret lessons with Harry, I like nothing better than to _really _enjoy my socks. I usher the visitors out of my office with a smile and a wink of the eye. I lock the door and make my way to my private chambers. Awaiting me there is a pile of all the socks I own. And it's a mighty pile too, I'll have you know. Seeing them there fills me with a sense of joy that not even hearing the school song sang well fills me with. It's more of a sense of anticipation with the socks because I know what is coming. With the song, it always changes (especially if the Weasley twins are singing it).

I'll let you in on the dirty bit now, I hope you won't mind. I strip myself of my robes, take a run up and launch myself onto the pile. Well, I say launch. I'm getting on a bit now, so it's more of a little jump. Either way I end up sprawled over the socks and _oh_, the feeling is wonderful. There's nothing like the feeling of lamb's wool on your skin, you know. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

Sometimes, I even fall asleep right there on the pile! I know, what am I thinking? How dare I sleep without a nightshirt on? But actually, it's quite cosy. I normally wake cuddling one of the more fluffier socks. You probably think that's strange but I'll tell you one thing: sometimes it's just nice to feel loved. Even if it is from a sock with googly eyes!


	6. PercyHead Boy Badge

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, Week 4**_

**Warning: In which I try to write poetry. And for minor suggestive theme at the very end.**

**O, Head Boy Badge**

O, Head Boy badge upon my chest,

Do you know how long I've wanted you?

It proves to everyone that I'm the best,

No longer dirt on someone's shoe.

.

O, Head Boy badge upon my robe,

You give me such power.

You allow me to pry and probe,

It pains me to take you off in the shower.

.

O, Head Boy badge upon my fez,

Sometimes I like to stroke your shield-like form.

No matter what anyone says,

Falling in love with you is the norm.

.

O, Head Boy badge upon my bosom,

You give me motivation to carry on.

With you, I need no woman,

I hope you'll never be gone.

.

O, Head Boy badge no longer upon my person,

I left you behind, with a new owner.

Please forgive my subversion,

But just remember this, you did once give me a boner!


	7. The Fat LadySirius

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, Week 5, the Pairing Diversity Boot Camp: Love hurts and the 10 drabbles 10 topics challenge #2: only including one word of dialogue**_

**Slash**

You remember back when he was a boy. He was handsome even then and oh, he made you laugh. Him and his best friends. Their actions were legendary even amongst the portrait community. You'd have fun with the drunk Monks down on the Charms corridor, and watch them as they went about their business.

You lost count of the amount of times you had to scold them for being back late, but you couldn't be angry at them... not really. All it took was a cheeky grin from him and you'd open up and let them in.

The years flew by so fast, it was all a flurry of flirty conversations and mischievous winks. Soon it was time for the boys to finish school and you knew your life would never be the same again. It would always be too quiet. Too boring without the presence of Sirius Black around.

But you did see him again, though it wasn't how you would have liked to imagine your reunion...

He was deranged. His hair was matted and his eyes held a wild look about them that definitely hadn't been there when he'd been a boy. He wanted to enter the tower and you _so _wanted to let him in, but you couldn't. He wasn't the cheeky Sirius Black anymore, he was crazed and a danger to all the students. Even though most of them would be in the Great Hall, you weren't going to endanger any that could still be in the tower.

He didn't like that. No, he didn't like that at all. So he slashes at your portrait. In that moment, everything you thought about Sirius Black changed. He was no longer the boy you once knew, no longer the boy who made you blush countless times. He was a man, a man who had suffered a great deal, despite his young age.

He looks at you after he commits the deed. You see sorrow in his eyes and you know you can't be angry at him. Just like all those years ago, you still can't scold him. You stare back through the rips in your canvas.

'Leave,' you tell him quietly.

And he does.

You run through the many portraits in Hogwarts, just trying to forget the look you saw in his eyes. But you can't, and you know you never will.


	8. SnapeCauldron

_**Written for Camp Potter: Obstacle Course, Week 8 and the Potions Competition: Weakness Potion**_

**When We're Alone**

Nobody knew the real reason why Severus Snape was constantly in a bad mood: it wasn't because of his loss of his one true love, nor was it that he had to teach a bunch of dunderheads. No, the reason why he was so snappy was that he had to share his precious cauldrons with said dunderheads.

None of his students, not even the Seventh Years, understood the beauty of a perfectly balanced cauldron. They had an elegance about them that nothing could compare to. When a beautiful cobalt cauldron was simmering happily, it was almost like it was singing directly into Severus' heart. It made him weak at the knees.

They also had an innocence about them that all of the students abused. They were meant to be used for brewing, not for scribbling pathetic love messages into, and incessantly tapping their wands against. It was an abomination and it made Severus furious. How dare they besmirch the smooth surface of the cauldron with 'R+H 4 EVA'?

The cauldrons were a source of light to Severus, a sun of sorts. No matter what was bothering him, as soon as he started brewing everything left his mind. Of course, that may have been the fumes, but Severus was never one to complain.

His greatest secret was his man-sized cauldron that he stored in his private chambers. When everything became just that too much, he would curl up inside it with a book and gradually read the world away. When he was feeling particularly generous he would read to the cauldron, it was always the same story.

'I'm going to read to you tonight. How about The Wizard And The Hopping Pot? I know it's your favourite,' he'd say as he'd pat the side and smile contentedly to himself.


End file.
